Thread: Please help me.

Nikki, i have no advice, but I just wanted to give you a big hug!! I hope it all comes together really soon!!

Make sure she reads everyday. Sydnee is reading The Little House on the Prarie books right now and she enjoys them. She also read all of the Harry Potter books.

You have done nothing wrong. If CPS comes to your door, be polite but firm in telling them that you will take their card and have your attorney call them. (If you need an attorney, you'll find one.) They cannot take your child or put you in jail if she is not in imminent danger, so unless he lies (and he might) they'll have no grounds. Do not let them in. Do not say anything further. Do not get angry. Do not agree to do more than let them see your child through the door (provided they don't come at the worst possible time), do not let them talk to her. They have no right. They'll tell you if you let them do their thing they'll go away, do not believe them. It's not their fault, so try not to take it out on them either, but they have every reason to see problems and none to be okay with what they see. Do look into laws and statistics for your state; try looking up the child welfare handbook since they're often on-line and you can print out any pages that seem likely to apply, to hand them when they're trying to lie to you about the extent of their jurisdiction. They have next to none in reality, and even if they bring a cop, without a court order they have to prove that imminent danger. If you give them the opportunity they'll find things to support that claim. (My apologies to those of you who work successfully with the system. What Nikki's dealing with here is a potential misuse, and when the current system is misused it's very very dangerous.) Have a video camera handy if at all possible, at least audio recording equipment if that's what you can get, and record every interaction. (Find out what the laws are in your state as to whether they have to be aware you're recording them to make it an admissible piece of evidence should you end up in court.) Don't panic, but do prepare. They're under obligation to investigate reports, and how it goes can rely entirely on how they perceive you at first meeting. I'm sorry he's threatening this. I think it's one of the cruelest things a person can do to a parent.

Also, go here.

Oh, AND know, that when the accusation is false or shaky, the threat of an attorney is often enough to back them off, and some family law attorneys will make such a phone call without a retainer. They may still charge some for their time if you go over the free hour many also offer, but a couple hundred bucks is worth avoiding the heartache and possible financial ruin of having to take such a thing to trial. Nobody ever wins in those trials even when the family technically prevails.

You say you have sole physical, but what about legal? If you have both, then as long as you can show you're taking the necessary steps, I think you're okay. However, if he has joint legal then he can petition the courts to investigate this on his behalf (and should he be wanting a custody change, it MAY look bad - not for certain, but you know how that goes).

However, that's a separate issue from CPS - he's a dope if he thinks he can call up CPS and tell them the truth of it all and expect them do run over to your house. As a teacher and a mandated reporter, it takes a helluva lot more than that to get them on your doorstep. The fact of the matter is, CPS doesn't want to take kids unless absolutely necessary. I've worked with CPS in two different states, and each time they've been calm, helpful and understanding - not irrational door-busters out to steal your kids in the night.

Back to the matter of what type of custody you share. If it is joint legal, then if push comes to shove (and your ex wants to fight it in the courts) you do have to take his concerns into consideration and come to an agreement about what needs to happen. However, if he has no legal recourse, while it would be nice to be able to work together, you have the final say. Then, be confident in what you're doing, and if you are certain you are taking all the steps you need to be taking to get your daughter her rightful education, you can tell your ex to piss off. GL!

Anonymous callers held to no standard of proof very often don't tell the truth in these situations. My personal philosophy is to hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and expect something in between. I think in this day, given what too many have seen of CPS, it's foolish to have this kind of warning and not at least be prepared for what could happen. Nikki has a level head and won't let panic prevail, but she wanted to know all the eventualities and my experience has been very different than yours, more similar to hers in that she's the one facing the potential of false accusations, where you were the one doing your best to make sure what you were accusing people of was true. The unfortunate truth is that Florida's child welfare department has one of the worst track records in the country all the way around. The upside to that is that their social workers are under very close scrutiny and can't afford to screw up much, especially with people who are prepared and intelligent like Nikki and Josh.

Oh, and to help you on the schooling front, each state has it's own set of standards per grade. It will tell you what key areas students in her grade level are working on and what the focus areas are. I'm pretty sure it'll come up on Google (what doesn't??? ).

Also, I agree 100% with Roni, she needs to be independently reading EVERY DAY (20 minutes is a good goal) and then doing some type of comprehension activity in conjunction with it (which means you're going to have to read the book, too, mom LOL). She also needs to be writing every day (which can go along with her comprehension activity) and at the fourth grade level (meaning spelling, punctuation, etc... needs to be completed at her skill level - ie: at this grade she should not be misspelling lower-level sight words, you know?). As for math, a great website is rainforestmath.com Another math activity (and I know some HS aren't for this method, but it's easy for you until you get your HS footing and some things are good on a route memorization level) is do Mad Math Minutes. At this level, she should be able to easily do multiplication and division through 12. Here's a worksheet generator (you may even be able to do it directly on the site, I'm not certain)

http://www.woodlands-junior.kent.sch...hs/worksheets/

If it were me (I'm speaking as a teacher, not a HS), and I were HS a fourth grader, I would be spending a minimum of three hours a day on guided lessons (broken into two or three sessions). This isn't three hours of you talking, but rather you guiding and instructing and then allowing her time to work and absorb. I'd then say, she should have another 30 minutes or so of "homework" where she has independent goals to reach. If you're not doing this now, IMO, you need to get going toward that goal ASAP - espicailly since you say she's behind. If the schools somehow failed her, then this is the time to get her caught up (plus, if you have something in hand to show active schooling, you ex doesn't have the ammo he thinks he does ).

Again, GL!

Oh, Peace, I wasn't saying for her not to be prepared. It was just my opinion and experience (and I am saddened to think that some children are actually taken from good homes when others are left in the throes of horrible abuse) that Nikki shouldn't be making herself sick or upset about it b/c the CPS I've encountered have been cautious and helpful (maybe I've been lucky???). I do think if push comes to shove your advice is sage though.

And on that note, now that I think of it, Nikki why aren't you calling his bluff? Seriously, the more I think about it (and re-read your post), I'm thinking you need to talk to your ex. Not his mommy, him (tell her to butt out! LOL). Have you calmly addressed his concerns and asked him what it is that he wants? I know that may be a thorn in your side, but maybe if you put it in his court (like asking him, "Well, what would be your solution to this problem?" KWIM?) and make him actually take responsibility rather than just getting to sit back and piss and moan. Maybe he'll realize he's being a stoopid poopy (to quote one of my kindergarteners ) and back off.

Sorry you're dealing with this!

Oh, that's awesome advice, Kelly. (If I'm a little prickly on the subject I apologize. )

Thank you for the advice and the websites.
As far as custody, all he has is visitation. I have sole legal physical custody. He has no say whatsoever. The only thing I need permission to do is move out of state, and I need the courts permission because theres a standing custody order.
And technically, Im not allowed to speak to him on the phone because there is also a standing non-expiring restraining order. Hes not even allowed to call my house to speak to Lexi, however as hes become less and less violent, Ive been letting him call to speak to Lexi, but thats why everything goes through his mother. If he violates that order he will go back to prison.

Hes called CPS on me three different times. Once for drug abuse, once for domestic violence, and once for sexual assault, and they were all against Lexi. Each time, the CPS worker came out within 24 hours with a policeman ready to take my kid....so I put nothing past him.

We did speak one time after I moved. He called to tell me how displease he was that I moved so far away from his mother. I told him he moved to Tampa so what was his deal? my custody order was with him and not her. Then he brought up the schooling and we discussed at length the school she shouldve been attending and he agreed it did not sound like a good school and I shouldnt have sent her there anyways, but then scolded me about doing better research and moving to a better neighborhood. Hes just an ass looking to cause trouble, but I dont want any trouble.

Alright, Im off to start my day. Im gonna start keeping a really good record about what we do during the day. Thanks again!

Oh geez, Nikki, that's just horrible. It seems to me that the parent who's willing to destabilize the child's life for selfish reasons ought to lose more and more say every time they pull that, but too often it goes the other way. Obviously you've done a darn good job keepin' 'em at bay though, and I obviously can't tell ya anything you don't know. All the best, and

much love,
Peace

Thanks Peace. We just got done with our math lesson and she is taking a break. We were doing multiplication. She has no idea what she is doing. These are things that shouldve been taught in her grade but werent. I just taught her how to multiply two numbers by two numbers.
After her break we are moving on to reading comprehension because thats another area she falls short on.

They are just awful to her and tell her things children shouldnt know. Like if you read my blog, he told her he was sad and depressed she wasnt going to school.....because, ya know, putting the child in the middle and making her feel guilty and worse is the proper thing to do. UGH hes just such an ass.

What's the word... fucktard?

LOL! I like that one better!

Well, then I'd stop talking to him period (b/c you're being decent to him and it is obviously getting you nowhere good - like the old saying goes, "No good deed goes unpunished!" ACK) and then I'd call the cops/courts on him for harassment, the jerk! At least that way you have some record of his behavior. Anyway, sorry you're dealing with that piss ant, and lots of luck with the schooling!