Praising? - Yada, Yada, Yada

ChanginMyName · 02-13-07, 03:35 PM

Who does it?

Do you think it's effective or counter-effective?

Noah being my first and having him in my life has been the most exciting wonderful thing ever, so i can't help myself most times. It's so hard not to, and to be honest I haven't ever held back. I clap for him, when he looks at me after he accomplishes something i'll clap, or hug him, or say YAY good job....etc.. all those things. And noah seems to LOVE it. Although, interesting I am noticing now everytime he does something he looks at dh and I with a big smile and is expecting, anticipating that type of response from us.

So...Today in a mommy & me class we go to, a friend of mine asked me if I want to listen to a lecture on parenting by a child/developmental expert. She says she has started to parent using his approach and thinks he's wonderful. she says she used to do a lot of things that weren't effective such as praising her child too much and that now her 5 year old daughter looks at her for praise for everything, that her dc doesnt feel really good or confident without getting the praise or recognition. She thinks her daughter isn't confident in decision making or doesn't know if something is good or not unless she asks her mom. for instance the dc draws a picture and is looking at her mom for the approval- if it's pretty or not...etc..

anyways... sorry long post here. But I think you get my point.

It's funny because on one end, my friend is talking about the downside of praising a child and how it hinders them, and then i look at someone like my dh who really wasn't praised for anything he did. He did great in school, has a good career and is independent. Although, he doesnt remember the last time his mother has ever said she loves him and doesn't ever remember being praised for anything he's done. It's like two extremes.

lil_jodi · 02-13-07, 03:51 PM

I don't see how praising can be a bad thing. I think as they get older, kids will learn that praise isn't automatic and doesn't come for every little thing. But also, it sounds to me like the person from your group is overlapping praise and approval. Her dc seems to be looking more for approval than praise. I could be way off on that, though. LOL.

Anyways, think about it this way. When you work, you appreciate getting praised and/or recognized for a job well done. You want to know that your employer appreciates you and your hard work. But you don't expect it every time you do a good job...it's just nice to hear sometimes. And it has been my experience that employees who don't receive that recognition tend to get frustrated and fed up and feel like "what am I working so hard for?" I know I have been there.

Anyways, keep praising Noah. He obviously loves it!

myrmom · 02-13-07, 03:57 PM

i know who your talking about...there is a lot of talk about it on my ap board. I don't agree with it. I understand the idea behind it that if someone else is constantly praising you you will do thing for praise rather then for the self fufillment you get out of accomplishing the task. However I think there is a happy medium in life. I don't think I need to be the only person who is proud of me for doing stuff. AFter I gave birth to Rufus completely naturally I felt empowered, and super proud of myself. I didn't need anyone else telling me I had done a wonderful job. However it did feel wonderful to hear from my dh, my nurses and my doula that I was awesome and amazing. It only made the feeling I had within myself stronger. That is how I feel when it comes to praising children. I think if the do something worth recognizing then praise is due. I don't tell Ewan good job after he finishes every meal, however when he learns a new colour I tell him how proud I am of him and clap and cheer for him. When Rufus started walking with the push walker I was encourging and clapping and cheering him on. When he rolls over the fortieth time I don't clap and cheer and get excited.

I'm not sure if i'm making any sense here...lol.

Recently Ewan painted a bunch of pictures and I was so proud of the job he did so I told him that mommy loved his pictures sooo much she was going to hang them up on the walls(which I did). I didn't gush over what an amazing artist he is, I didn't say things like omg Ewan that is the best paint job every. I didn't tell him he was going to an artist and dance around for joy. I think showing them we are proud of them sometimes is better then telling them..but I think that the telling needs to be there too in some respects.

when Ewan pees on the potty he gets sooo excited, I figure if I got over excited I would be diminishing his own excitement. I will often say...look at you, you are soooo proud of yourself aren't you. Mommy is proud of you too.

I try not to good job all day long either....but it is hard..I mean these are my kids i'm pretty much proud of everythign they do!

rhianna813 · 02-13-07, 04:13 PM

I am right there with you on the praise thing. DH and I both can't help it - we also clap hands, hug him and cheer him, all the time. And he does this for us too.... it's really cute and I think it's a good trait. If we are playing ball and I catch the ball he actually says "good job mom!" which seems really communicative for a 2-3 yr old.

In some parenting book I have... They discuss different child personality and parenting types. The cite on fictional example of how parents prasied their child for everything and offered her no challenges or constructive criticism. Thus she became medicore student who had no ambitions and emotionally sensitive or something. But of course another child may have resonded differently.

I feel there is no need to decrease the amount of praise we offer our kids or anyone we love. Praise is really vital. But I also offer Brendan opportunity to challenge himself. Especially when he suddenly "can't do something" I know he can. I will say "keep trying..... you can do it" instead of just do it for him or say "that's ok" with the same praising vocals.

And of course the other side is when he looks over to see if their is approval for his behaviour..... and he is doing something naughty like mashing his banana into woodfloors or colouring on the wall. I will show him plenty of non approval and of course no praise. With out constructive feedback, constant praise would be scary. But together they are a healthy balance.

Kinda like the book mentioned you need take each child into consideration. My guess is that girls are prone to linking praise and approval to self worth in our culture. I know it's a big area for me who like your husband received a lot of criticism when I was young and did not do well because of it. Even today with praise I excell.

Rhianna

drnmd1216 · 02-13-07, 06:28 PM

I have heard of this time and time again...I just don't get how praise can be a bad thing though?? When I am proud of something my children do, I tell them, and they beam with excitement over it. Heck, I love to get praise myself!!

Actually, Kylie told me the other day she was very proud of me for cleaning up the playroom. lol

PaMOOla · 02-13-07, 06:44 PM

I also don't see how praise is a bad thing. Like a few others have said you modify their praise as they get older anyway. I don't tell Josh great job for saying the abc's any more - he gets praise for writing sentences now. Where Ash would get praise for saying the abc's. I also think that everyone needs the acknowledgement and praise sometimes of a job well done but certain personalities need more than others. As your child grows and their personality emerges more and more you see when they need it and when they don't. Having more than one child I see the difference in personality types and try and modify parenting based on those types. Josh definitely needs more praise than Ashley.

Mamalicious · 02-13-07, 07:39 PM

I praise my kids. However, I do see that too much praise could be a bad thing. I have slowly been trying to wean my praise for everything away... especially as they get older.

I think praise is very important when they're young. But I also think that it can hinder them as they get older. Just my two cents, of course.

ChanginMyName · 02-13-07, 08:00 PM

I never even knew that praising could be something to be concerned about. You can tell i'm a new parent! So all day long now i've been consumed with thinking about what my friend told me about praising, second guessing everything i've done in these past 18 months!

My friend has 3 kids. Her eldest she said she "ruined" - seriously that was her word exactly. I told her she didnt, but she said she's working hard on reversing "the damange" from overpraising everything she did so she can become a more confident child. hmmmmm??

So Yaron (dh) comes home from work today and I told him all about it and i wanted his opinion. And he strongly disagreed with our friend. But he echos everything you gals said- that it's individual and every child needs something different and it changes according to the child's personality, age, maturity etc... As I mentioned before dh wasn't really a praised child or young adult by his parents (my ILs are nice people don't get me wrong) but I think he wishes he had experienced some of it.

PaMOOla · 02-13-07, 08:08 PM

Jen - I honestly think you do not need to worry. First of all I don't see how you can ruin a child by giving them praise but second, I know you are a loving, warm and wonderful mother. Noah was born to wonderful parents.

AliKS · 02-14-07, 10:41 AM

I grew up with a friend whose mother praised her by telling her "you are better at painting than everyone else" "you can count better than Ali"-I would like to see how she is as an adult!
I praise Tony and get excited with what he does. Like he gets all excited that he can push his car across the room, so I'll get all happy and do it too and he cheers me on, it's like a common bond that we can push cars great lol. I don't see how that's a bad thing!

ChanginMyName · 02-14-07, 02:00 PM

Quote:

I grew up with a friend whose mother praised her by telling her "you are better at painting than everyone else" "you can count better than Ali"-I would like to see how she is as an adult!

Ali that's horrible!! how awful to teach a child that. If anything it's important to teach our children how we are all equal. how sad for that child and for you to have had to hear that

Quote:

Jen - I honestly think you do not need to worry. First of all I don't see how you can ruin a child by giving them praise but second, I know you are a loving, warm and wonderful mother. Noah was born to wonderful parents.

thanks dahling. :-)

myrmom · 02-14-07, 02:03 PM

my only concern is that if your child can't sing don't tell them they can and how wonderful they are at singing...or they are going to end up as one of those horrible contestants on american idle...lol

rhianna813 · 02-14-07, 02:33 PM

Jennifer, your friend may only be guessing as what caused her daughters lack of confidence or alledged issue. If it was really anything she did as a parent, it was probably a combination of things mixed with her daughters personality type. Heck the child's undesirable behaviour may hardly be noticed by anyone else. It could be something that really triggers Mom. Mom wasn't given enough praise growing up, her sister was constantly praised. Mom wants her daughter to be happy so she praises alot. Daughter is normal but her behaviour and personality now remind Mom of her sister and she gets totally triggered... yada yada yada.Just a different way to look at things.Rhianna

ChanginMyName · 02-14-07, 05:10 PM

Oh Rhianna ITA wtih you. My friend said over-praising was just one of the things she did 'wrong' lol- I didnt get into details with her. But, I also thought it was interesting how she 'knows' that praising is to blame? I think there are many other factors that influence and shape us into who we are.

and LOL Maggie.. yah i try to keep it real!

myrmom · 02-20-07, 10:13 PM

Quote:

and LOL Maggie.. yah i try to keep it real!

Yeah...I wasn't really worried about you...lol

02-13-07, 03:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
ChanginMyName i love me some nipple clamps Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 3,901 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Praising? Who does it? Do you think it's effective or counter-effective? Noah being my first and having him in my life has been the most exciting wonderful thing ever, so i can't help myself most times. It's so hard not to, and to be honest I haven't ever held back. I clap for him, when he looks at me after he accomplishes something i'll clap, or hug him, or say YAY good job....etc.. all those things. And noah seems to LOVE it. Although, interesting I am noticing now everytime he does something he looks at dh and I with a big smile and is expecting, anticipating that type of response from us. So...Today in a mommy & me class we go to, a friend of mine asked me if I want to listen to a lecture on parenting by a child/developmental expert. She says she has started to parent using his approach and thinks he's wonderful. she says she used to do a lot of things that weren't effective such as praising her child too much and that now her 5 year old daughter looks at her for praise for everything, that her dc doesnt feel really good or confident without getting the praise or recognition. She thinks her daughter isn't confident in decision making or doesn't know if something is good or not unless she asks her mom. for instance the dc draws a picture and is looking at her mom for the approval- if it's pretty or not...etc.. anyways... sorry long post here. But I think you get my point. It's funny because on one end, my friend is talking about the downside of praising a child and how it hinders them, and then i look at someone like my dh who really wasn't praised for anything he did. He did great in school, has a good career and is independent. Although, he doesnt remember the last time his mother has ever said she loves him and doesn't ever remember being praised for anything he's done. It's like two extremes.

02-13-07, 03:51 PM	#2
lil_jodi Just a supermod Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 16,512 Thanks: 407 Thanked 777 Times in 604 Posts My Mood:	Re: Praising? I don't see how praising can be a bad thing. I think as they get older, kids will learn that praise isn't automatic and doesn't come for every little thing. But also, it sounds to me like the person from your group is overlapping praise and approval. Her dc seems to be looking more for approval than praise. I could be way off on that, though. LOL. Anyways, think about it this way. When you work, you appreciate getting praised and/or recognized for a job well done. You want to know that your employer appreciates you and your hard work. But you don't expect it every time you do a good job...it's just nice to hear sometimes. And it has been my experience that employees who don't receive that recognition tend to get frustrated and fed up and feel like "what am I working so hard for?" I know I have been there. Anyways, keep praising Noah. He obviously loves it! __________________

02-13-07, 03:57 PM	#3
myrmom My box is heart shaped! Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 6,443 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Praising? i know who your talking about...there is a lot of talk about it on my ap board. I don't agree with it. I understand the idea behind it that if someone else is constantly praising you you will do thing for praise rather then for the self fufillment you get out of accomplishing the task. However I think there is a happy medium in life. I don't think I need to be the only person who is proud of me for doing stuff. AFter I gave birth to Rufus completely naturally I felt empowered, and super proud of myself. I didn't need anyone else telling me I had done a wonderful job. However it did feel wonderful to hear from my dh, my nurses and my doula that I was awesome and amazing. It only made the feeling I had within myself stronger. That is how I feel when it comes to praising children. I think if the do something worth recognizing then praise is due. I don't tell Ewan good job after he finishes every meal, however when he learns a new colour I tell him how proud I am of him and clap and cheer for him. When Rufus started walking with the push walker I was encourging and clapping and cheering him on. When he rolls over the fortieth time I don't clap and cheer and get excited. I'm not sure if i'm making any sense here...lol. Recently Ewan painted a bunch of pictures and I was so proud of the job he did so I told him that mommy loved his pictures sooo much she was going to hang them up on the walls(which I did). I didn't gush over what an amazing artist he is, I didn't say things like omg Ewan that is the best paint job every. I didn't tell him he was going to an artist and dance around for joy. I think showing them we are proud of them sometimes is better then telling them..but I think that the telling needs to be there too in some respects. when Ewan pees on the potty he gets sooo excited, I figure if I got over excited I would be diminishing his own excitement. I will often say...look at you, you are soooo proud of yourself aren't you. Mommy is proud of you too. I try not to good job all day long either....but it is hard..I mean these are my kids i'm pretty much proud of everythign they do! __________________ Maggie Mama to Ewan & Rufus July 14, 2004, April 5, 2006 And Keir Elias Marx October 21, 2008

02-13-07, 04:13 PM	#4
rhianna813 Former WL queen, and proud of it! Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Oregon Posts: 1,594 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Praising? I am right there with you on the praise thing. DH and I both can't help it - we also clap hands, hug him and cheer him, all the time. And he does this for us too.... it's really cute and I think it's a good trait. If we are playing ball and I catch the ball he actually says "good job mom!" which seems really communicative for a 2-3 yr old. In some parenting book I have... They discuss different child personality and parenting types. The cite on fictional example of how parents prasied their child for everything and offered her no challenges or constructive criticism. Thus she became medicore student who had no ambitions and emotionally sensitive or something. But of course another child may have resonded differently. I feel there is no need to decrease the amount of praise we offer our kids or anyone we love. Praise is really vital. But I also offer Brendan opportunity to challenge himself. Especially when he suddenly "can't do something" I know he can. I will say "keep trying..... you can do it" instead of just do it for him or say "that's ok" with the same praising vocals. And of course the other side is when he looks over to see if their is approval for his behaviour..... and he is doing something naughty like mashing his banana into woodfloors or colouring on the wall. I will show him plenty of non approval and of course no praise. With out constructive feedback, constant praise would be scary. But together they are a healthy balance. Kinda like the book mentioned you need take each child into consideration. My guess is that girls are prone to linking praise and approval to self worth in our culture. I know it's a big area for me who like your husband received a lot of criticism when I was young and did not do well because of it. Even today with praise I excell. Rhianna

02-13-07, 06:28 PM	#5
drnmd1216 I my big family! Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,127 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Praising? I have heard of this time and time again...I just don't get how praise can be a bad thing though?? When I am proud of something my children do, I tell them, and they beam with excitement over it. Heck, I love to get praise myself!! Actually, Kylie told me the other day she was very proud of me for cleaning up the playroom. lol __________________ Melissa, mommy to: Kylie (5), Elise (4), Caden (3) and and Rylan and Gavin (1)!!!!! *and no, we hopefully aren't done yet *

02-13-07, 06:44 PM	#6
PaMOOla My kids are gorgeous and they get it from me!!! Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 6,084 Thanks: 0 Thanked 41 Times in 40 Posts	Re: Praising? I also don't see how praise is a bad thing. Like a few others have said you modify their praise as they get older anyway. I don't tell Josh great job for saying the abc's any more - he gets praise for writing sentences now. Where Ash would get praise for saying the abc's. I also think that everyone needs the acknowledgement and praise sometimes of a job well done but certain personalities need more than others. As your child grows and their personality emerges more and more you see when they need it and when they don't. Having more than one child I see the difference in personality types and try and modify parenting based on those types. Josh definitely needs more praise than Ashley. __________________ Joshua Ashley Samantha

02-13-07, 07:39 PM	#7
Mamalicious Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 41 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Praising? I praise my kids. However, I do see that too much praise could be a bad thing. I have slowly been trying to wean my praise for everything away... especially as they get older. I think praise is very important when they're young. But I also think that it can hinder them as they get older. Just my two cents, of course. __________________

02-13-07, 08:00 PM	#8
ChanginMyName i love me some nipple clamps Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 3,901 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Praising? I never even knew that praising could be something to be concerned about. You can tell i'm a new parent! So all day long now i've been consumed with thinking about what my friend told me about praising, second guessing everything i've done in these past 18 months! My friend has 3 kids. Her eldest she said she "ruined" - seriously that was her word exactly. I told her she didnt, but she said she's working hard on reversing "the damange" from overpraising everything she did so she can become a more confident child. hmmmmm?? So Yaron (dh) comes home from work today and I told him all about it and i wanted his opinion. And he strongly disagreed with our friend. But he echos everything you gals said- that it's individual and every child needs something different and it changes according to the child's personality, age, maturity etc... As I mentioned before dh wasn't really a praised child or young adult by his parents (my ILs are nice people don't get me wrong) but I think he wishes he had experienced some of it.

02-13-07, 08:08 PM	#9
PaMOOla My kids are gorgeous and they get it from me!!! Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: NY Posts: 6,084 Thanks: 0 Thanked 41 Times in 40 Posts	Re: Praising? Jen - I honestly think you do not need to worry. First of all I don't see how you can ruin a child by giving them praise but second, I know you are a loving, warm and wonderful mother. Noah was born to wonderful parents. __________________ Joshua Ashley Samantha

02-14-07, 10:41 AM	#10
AliKS I am owned by Vickie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 7,678 Thanks: 9 Thanked 68 Times in 66 Posts	Re: Praising? I grew up with a friend whose mother praised her by telling her "you are better at painting than everyone else" "you can count better than Ali"-I would like to see how she is as an adult! I praise Tony and get excited with what he does. Like he gets all excited that he can push his car across the room, so I'll get all happy and do it too and he cheers me on, it's like a common bond that we can push cars great lol. I don't see how that's a bad thing! __________________ Ali, mama to Tony 8/23/05 and Gemma Lynn 9/04/08

02-14-07, 02:03 PM	#12
myrmom My box is heart shaped! Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 6,443 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 4 Posts	Re: Praising? my only concern is that if your child can't sing don't tell them they can and how wonderful they are at singing...or they are going to end up as one of those horrible contestants on american idle...lol __________________ Maggie Mama to Ewan & Rufus July 14, 2004, April 5, 2006 And Keir Elias Marx October 21, 2008

02-14-07, 02:33 PM	#13
rhianna813 Former WL queen, and proud of it! Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Oregon Posts: 1,594 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Praising? Jennifer, your friend may only be guessing as what caused her daughters lack of confidence or alledged issue. If it was really anything she did as a parent, it was probably a combination of things mixed with her daughters personality type. Heck the child's undesirable behaviour may hardly be noticed by anyone else. It could be something that really triggers Mom. Mom wasn't given enough praise growing up, her sister was constantly praised. Mom wants her daughter to be happy so she praises alot. Daughter is normal but her behaviour and personality now remind Mom of her sister and she gets totally triggered... yada yada yada.Just a different way to look at things.Rhianna

02-14-07, 05:10 PM	#14
ChanginMyName i love me some nipple clamps Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 3,901 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: Praising? Oh Rhianna ITA wtih you. My friend said over-praising was just one of the things she did 'wrong' lol- I didnt get into details with her. But, I also thought it was interesting how she 'knows' that praising is to blame? I think there are many other factors that influence and shape us into who we are. and LOL Maggie.. yah i try to keep it real!