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Old 02-20-07, 08:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My SO likes another girl...very long
What a terrible weekend I had. It's a long story but here's basically what happened.

Thursday night my SO worked the night shift. Me and Jakob were at home, I cleaned up the house, put Jakob to bed and got on the computer and checked my email, myspace and yada. I got bored and decided to clean up our computer. What a bad idea that was.

While cleaning up the Recycle Bin I came across a site called "something...something...Dating Compatability Test Daniel and Tara". I'm thinking it's just a coincidence right? Wrong. My SO went to this website to see how compatable him and his co worker Tara were. WTF? Why? I was super heartbroken, mad, sad, shocked, every feeling you could think of. I grabbed my cell and wrote him a very ugly text message, called him every name in the book and told him I found out his secret and not to come home. He called me back and pulled the 'i dunno what your talking about' crap. I told him whatever, yes you do know what I'm talking about and he insisted that he didn't. I told him it was over and I couldn't trust him anymore. How could he think about another girl during the day and come home at night and act like nothing and be with me? I feel stabbed in the back by my best friend. The person I confide everything to. The father of my child. How could he do this? This didn't even sound like him.

Friday I came to work and was a mess. I couldn't think about anything related to work, all I thought about was him and this Tara girl. He came over after work Friday and started to pack up his things. Jakob called him and walked into the room with us and SO broke down. He cried like I never seen him cry before. I started to cry after seeing SO cry, and we both sat there crying like big babies. We didn't argue or raise our voices. I tried to get answers from him but he was a mess and I knew I would get no where. I didn't want to ask too many questions too soon. He left with a few clothes in his hand and stayed the night at his moms. It broke my heart for Jakob to called out to his daddy that night, what could I tell him? His daddy wasn't coming back? At that point I didn't know where we stood.

Saturday comes and again my stomach is in knots just thinking about what had happened. But I was strong and kept my composure for Jakob's sake. I couldn't take it anymore, gave in and called SO on his cell. No answer. He called me back later that day and I tried again to get answers from him but nothing. He said I pushed him away and he wasn't happy with me anymore. To hear that from the person you love with all your heart and father to your son is indescribable. He came over that night, we talked and he stayed the night. While in bed, I asked if he liked 'her'. He said yes. I asked if they DTD. He said no. I asked if she knew that he liked her. He said no. I asked how could he do this and he said he didn't know why.

Sunday we went out to eat, ran some errands and had a some what pleasant day. Something still didn't feel right. Again he stayed the night.

Yesterday we were both off for the holiday. We decided to take Jakob to the zoo (he had a blast by the way). I tried to hold SO's hand, give him kisses, etc. and I could feel something wasn't right. While leaving the zoo he said he loved me and he had a good time. I said the same. I thought maybe we were working things out but I should have known better.

Last night while laying in bed we talked some more. We cried, talked about the day we first met, and how much we have in common. Then came all the bad. We've grown apart, the feelings aren't there anymore, etc. We stayed up until 3am talking and crying. You won't believe how puffy my eyes are this morning. I'm a wreck. He said he loved me last night but was undecided if he wanted to get back with me.

I love my SO so much and I want to work things out and deep down I know he does too. I feel right now he wants his cake and eat it too. Am I wrong for wanting to work things out? Others couples have worked it out, why can't we? I can't forget the things he has done and said but I love him and I want us to be a happy family again. I called him on my way to work and asked where we stood. He said he didn't know he had to think about it. I don't know what will happen.

Please keep us in your thoughts. I hope and pray we can work through this and be the happy couple we used to be.
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Old 02-20-07, 08:38 AM   #2
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I am soooo sorry Alisha!! What is up with men these days?!?! I think that this is TOTALLY workable if he was telling the truth about not sleeping with her.

I'm thinking of you!!
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Old 02-20-07, 08:39 AM   #3
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
oh Alisha I'm so sorry. If you guys want to work it out I would sugguest counseling ASAP. I can't image not being with DF or find out that he wasn't thinking about someone else. We went through a VERY rough patch last year. While things are getting better, I'm pretty sure we should go into counseling. We probably will once we move in a few months. I really hope you can work everything out. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts
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Old 02-20-07, 08:40 AM   #4
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
alisha - i don't know what to say, i don't even want to imagine what i would do in your position. my stomach knots up just reading your post.

i know the women on this board will have good advice and lots of loving support. i'll say a prayer for you and jakob. and for your SO. i'm so sorry.
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Old 02-20-07, 08:41 AM   #5
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I'll be thinking and praying for you.
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Old 02-20-07, 08:42 AM   #6
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Wow I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My prayers are with you and your family. I really can't say I know what I would do if my DH did that to me. Stay Brave
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Old 02-20-07, 08:45 AM   #7
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this; I really hope things work about between the two of you. Fwiw- my DH and I went through something similiar last year, and I really think, looking back, that because we worked through it, our relationship is stronger. But it was a hard and terrible time, and I'd never want to go through that again. I wish you the best. It's terrible you're having to go through this, and I'm very sad for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
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Old 02-20-07, 08:46 AM   #8
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I am so sorry Alisha. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:01 AM   #9
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm sorry honey. Men freaking suck, that's all I have to say about that.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:03 AM   #10
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Huge hugs you way.....I pray things work out for the best for your whole family.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:06 AM   #11
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Oh Alisha, I'm so sorry! Men are pigs sometimes! I will be praying for you and for him to get his act together. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:22 AM   #12
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
ok, seriously what is up with the men???!!!! this does make me really freaked out about dh leaving for a freakin month!!!!!! omg. alisha, my heart goes out to you. hugs to you and jakob i hope things work out for the best and you can come to an agreement and work on your family for jakobs sake. hugs!!!
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Old 02-20-07, 09:29 AM   #13
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
alisha i am so sorry you have to deal with this???? is there something in the water these guys are drinking???? i swear, the men are all crazy lately!

anyway, i hope that the two of you can work it out. i think it will take some therapy though and lots of hard work. its easy with busy lives and a baby to lose sight of whats important and lose that connection that you once had. the fact that he can realize that and talk about it is a good thing. you can work on it before its too late, like it was in my case.

so i really do hope that he chooses to stay. do some of the things that you used to do together, things to reconnect.

i'll be thinking of you!
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Old 02-20-07, 09:34 AM   #14
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Oh Alisha I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll be thinking of you and your family. Hopefully you will be able to work it out.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:38 AM   #15
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I know I don't know you but thought I would give you my little piece of advice anyway.

No matter how much you love him, if he's not willing to work it out on his side then no matter how hard you try it won't work. He has to come to grips with what he's feeling and wanting and he has to be honest with you or else nothing good will happen. If he continue's to play the "I don't know right now game" it's just going to string you along. You will either continue to be hurt by the on and off feelings or you will get extremely ticked off at him for playing with your heart. You know that old saying You can't make a heart love somebody... it's true. No matter how much you love him, if the feelings aren't there for him then your love can't do anything to keep yawl together.

Also, if you push him and beg for answers right now then it's going to push him even further away. It will take a little time for him to work on things and in my personal opinion he has to be brutally honest with you about everything. If not then it will more than likely feel like a game to you.

He has a lot to think about and work on and the only thing you do is support how he feels. You may no like what he decides but you can't change the way someone feels.

I'm very sorry if I offend you in saying any of this. I'm speaking from my personal experience and know that every situation is different.

You guys will continue to be in my prayers!
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Old 02-20-07, 09:39 AM   #16
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I know exactly where you're coming from and I'm so sorry! I'm sure you know that Chris and I are going through something almost identical except my hubby acted on his feelings. When it all started he said he didn't know why he did it but I do. Our relationship had stalled and I know I pushed him away simply because I had grown very complacent ya know? So someone at his job obviously flirted with him, he found her attractive and he did what he did more than once actually. I've since left and now he's trying desperately to fix what he did because he now realizes what he does want is me. He claims he never liked her in the sense he wanted to be with her, it was just the attraction and excitement that was lacking at home.

So my advice for you is if he's telling you that he doesn't feel the same anymore you're going to have to be strong and carry on just you, Jakob and your family. Believe me it's not going to be easy but you can do it. Maybe in time he'll realize what an ass he is and he'll try to fix what he's done wrong as well. PM me if you want to talk some more.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:43 AM   #17
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, Alisha and hope that things work out for you.
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Old 02-20-07, 09:58 AM   #18
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Alisha,

I am so sorry you are having to go through something so devastating! I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers!
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Old 02-20-07, 10:01 AM   #19
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope that things will work out for you. I will be praying for you.
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Old 02-20-07, 10:15 AM   #20
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Oh Alisha, Im so sorry. I dont have any words of wisdom, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 02-20-07, 10:21 AM   #21
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Thanks girls!

Smclark3 - That's EXACTLY the way I feel. You took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you!
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Old 02-20-07, 10:42 AM   #22
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I am so sorry. I am "kinda" going through something similar...my DF "likes" someone else to, they flirt..ect, he likes the feeling of the newness, excitement..someone paying him attention..ect. I dont even know where we stand anymore.
I just hope you guys can work it out, I will keep you in my prayers. if you need to talk to me..just send me a pm.
Take care of yourself.
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Old 02-20-07, 11:45 AM   #23
aka mom*2*carly
 
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm so sorry! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 02-20-07, 12:17 PM   #24
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Oh, I am so sorry! Geez! What is in the air these days?! I will be praying for you. We are here if you need us!
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Old 02-20-07, 12:34 PM   #25
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I am so sorry that things are happening like this. I hope that things will work itself out soon.
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Old 02-20-07, 12:43 PM   #26
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm so sorry Alisha. I'll be thinking of you. I hope that it will work out for you.
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Old 02-20-07, 12:54 PM   #27
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I am very sorry too... shees Men! I hope that he realizes what he is going to be out if he continues this behavior. Will be thinking of you.
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Old 02-20-07, 01:28 PM   #28
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm so sorry you guys are going though this!
I'm thinking of you and praying for you!
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Old 02-20-07, 01:49 PM   #29
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm just really sorry that you are going through this.
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Old 02-20-07, 01:55 PM   #30
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I'm sorry you have to deal with this! I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer for your family.
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Old 02-20-07, 02:08 PM   #31
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
First of all, let me say that I am sorry to hear of your troubles. But as I am sure you know by now, I like to give my two cents. So I shall give:

Personally, from my POV... after there has been dishonesty in any relationship, from that point on, there is NO relationship. I don't even believe in counseling, because I honestly believe that there will always be trust issues, that no counseling will ever fix. When fights occur, things that happened in the past that cause the distrust, will always be brought up, etc.

He lied to you about something, and hid his feelings, and I would say he has done this for a while. This isn't something that just comes up within a couple of days or even weeks.

He was dishonest with you. Now you can choose, if he so chooses as well, to work it out... that is on you. But from MY perspective... I wouldn't take back a man that lies. Even if it was once. There is just no trust left, and there never will be. It will always haunt you and the other person.
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Old 02-20-07, 04:44 PM   #32
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I swear I'm not trying to start a debate.. I just want to chime in again on a pervious post...because as humans we have all faced different stuggles in our lives which make us who we are.

I am married to my second husband right now. My first is whom I was refering to in my first post.. but it was me who wanted out not him. He could do NOTHING to change my mind even though I didn't have anyone else I was interested in.. I just wasn't interested in him.

That being said.. in the relationship I am in now.. DH was very casually dating me and another girl at the same time in teh beginining. He and I became serious and he got rid of her... but she is a customer of his now. It drove me insane for a very long time. He hid things about her from me for a while then things got ugly when I found out. For a very long time I had no trust in him and we fought about her constantly. Now, 3 years later and a long period of time of him being overly honest and open with me to the point where he thought at times I was controlling his life.. we are doing great and we NEVER fight about her or do I even in the slightest bit doubt his faithfulness to me. He goes overboard in proving that to me so I never have to doubt. It did take a few very rough months and it took him realizing that No I was controlling him but that he had to prove I could trust him and he had to regain my trust. It was hard but for us it worked. I have no doubt in my mind that DH will be faithful to me in body, heart, mind and soul for the rest of his life. Why? Because we went through a rough time and we both ended up at rock bottom completely broken then worked ourselves back up TOGETHER! The whole key is TOGETHER! That's why I said in my original post that he has to be positive it's what he wants or else it won't work. Men are more needy than women in a lot of ways yet they would never admit it!

True love is very hard to find and it's hard to give up too! I thought I loved my first husband and even once I realized I didn't it was still hard to give up on him. It took me a very long time to tell him how I felt. He tried soo hard to make me love him again but I just didn't and couldn't.

I dont' know what you situation entails or the ins and outs of your relationship but I hope and pray that the very best happens for you. It may seem like the worse period in your life but something better will come from it. Either a much better and closer relationship with the man you are with now or maybe even a much better relationship with another man down the road.
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Old 02-20-07, 06:09 PM   #33
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
I agree that it's not quite that easy to give up on love. Yes, lying and cheating are terrible but when you love someone enough, if the other person is plenty remorseful and does everything in their power to fix it, the trust can be fixed. Not for everyone, but many. I myself am dealing with nearly the same thing and believe me, part of me doubts it will ever work or get back to normal. But you know what? I love my husband, as Alisha love her SO, so to walk away isn't that easy. People make mistakes, some worse than others, but it doesn't mean they don't deserve another chance.
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Old 02-20-07, 06:17 PM   #34
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
Well no, obviously, not everyone will have the same views in dealing with something like this. If she wishes to keep a fight for it, that is totally up to her. I just wanted to give what I thought a chance to be heard.
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Old 02-20-07, 06:42 PM   #35
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Re: My SO likes another girl...very long
i'm very sorry. Relationships are hard WORK! it's exhausting at times isn't it? I hope that the two of you can use things like this to make you a better person, and maybe even a stronger couple. When couples face trials and adversities, it brings them closer together or it drives them apart. I pray whatever happens, it is good for you and jakob.
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