HUGE RANT... Sorry.
So, here's the story.
I moved to the US in 1999 just after my mother left my father... (they'd been married for 31 years).
I had some issues that first two years with the fact that I hardly ever heard from my parents. I could go three months without a phonecall. It really got to me. Like out of sight, out of mind sort of thing. But, I didn't say anything. I figured, if they cared, they'd call. Oh, before my parents split up we were what I would call a close family. Every Christmas together. We'd pop over for the weekend etc. Mum would come over and we'd go shopping together.. etc. etc.
Anyway, then I got pregnant. All of a sudden just after Tom was born I'd hear from my Mum every day and my Dad once a week. This isn't really about my Dad. He's had his crap moments, but this is about my mother.
She came over when Tom was 6 weeks old. Again when he was six months old. She came over for his first birthday and then again in the summer after that. She came for that Christmas too. She would call all the time.
It faded a little, but not much. She'd talk to Tom on the phone as he got older and there was never a period of longer than six months before she saw him.
Well. Alex was born in June 2005. She came over when he was about five weeks old and then again at Christmas. We had some issues at Christmas (this was 2005) because I had really bad PPD and was having problems with John too.
In April 2006, my sister had a baby.
John and I put the house on the Market at around the same time, but the market bombed and in the summer we took it off the market. My mother didn't come over that summer because we had hoped we would be back in the UK and she didn't know when to plan a trip.
She hasn't been back since.
She started looking after Grace, my sisters baby in September 2006 on Monday's and Tuesday's so my sister can work those two days. (She went part time).
I kind of lost it on the phone with her in January when I said how long it had been since she saw the boys and burst into tears. She started crying too and said that the previous summer she didn't come because of the house business... and I had forgotten about that. She wanted to spend that first Christmas with Grace... I can kind of get that too. She retired in September last year and apparently she was still paying a mortgage payment up until January when she could settle it all on a payout thing... (don't know all the details). I had hoped she would be coming right after Christmas, but she can't fit it in because she's looking after Grace until April/May time.
So, she's probably coming in May.
She rang up today and asked if I minded if she brought her friend, Ally, with her. I'm like... Umm... we're not going to Disney, I can't afford it. If you want to bring her, go for it.
Now I'm sitting here thinking over the past six months and I'm starting to get really fucking pissed off. Initially I thought it would be kind of nice having Ally here as she could keep the peace as my Mother and I don't always get along.. but then I thought... she coming to see her Grandkids, not vacation with her friend. I also sit here and think... I can't remember the last time that she rang up and talked to Tom on the phone. We talk, but I can't remember when she last ASKED to talk to Tom. I haven't handed her over to him recently because I just kind of forgot about it, but you would think she'd WANT to talk to him.
I'm jealous as hell that she spends so much time with Grace and never sees my kids, but then as she would say "It was your choice to move to the US".
I'm just sad for my kids. It might have been my choice to move here, but it's not my choice to stay. I WANT to move home. SHE knows that. I just can't until the market picks up and we can sell the house...
Tom used to talk about Gram all the time. He used to write her cards and letters and was ALWAYS talking about her. In the past six months that's faded to the point now where I can't remember the last time he mentioned her. She never talks to him anymore and I don't think he remembers who she is.
It's Tom's birthday in April and Mum is either coming before or after because she can't make it for his birthday as Nicky needs a sitter for Gracie. WTF?? It's been a fucking YEAR. Can't she find someone to look after her baby for two days so my son can see his Grandmother on the first birthday he's actually likely to remember????? Obviously not.
I don't want to cause strife and if I say something my Mum will just cry and get upset and it'll just cause even more friction in a relationship that's got worse and worse since I moved here..... *sigh*.
But if I don't say anything now to clear the air, am I going to lose it in a fight when she's here???
I don't know what to do...
Am I being unreasonable???
You have to remember, it's really expensive too for her to come here... it costs her about $1K to fly here. There's also the point that we could fly there, but with John's job and the kids... a) it's a bloody NIGHTMARE and b) it costs about $3K which we just don't have....
Last edited by Pet~Tom&Alex'sMama; 03-05-07 at 06:21 PM.
Just gone
I would call your sister and ask HER if she would find another sitter for Grace for those two days. *You are giving her PLENTY of notice* Tell her how important it is to you and play up that Tom really wants her to be there. Then tell your mom how much you guys miss her and that you really want her to come for his birthday. Hopefully your sister will help you out.
I don't really have any advice for you... I'm sure it's very hard being that far away from her. I do sympathize though as my own mom only lives 25 minutes away and doesn't call or come to see Kanyon often. Months will go by. Maybe you could call her up and just see if there is another option for someone to watch Gracie because you would really like her to be there on Tom's birthday. Maybe there are other reasons, but that is the one she is telling you about. I hope it all works out and there are no hard feelings!
Meghan
Mommy to:
Kanyon 7/22/05, Scarlett 4/10/07,
and Cohen 4/29/09
*EDD - Aug 2010*
i am really really bad at mother daughter stuff. I just wanted to tell you that i feel your frustration and hurt, and i'm sorry.
tracey
of July 05
I'm so sorry. This is a difficult situation. I think you need to write out your feelings, and then call her, stay calm, and tell her exactuly how you are feeling. Making a trip that long, she should stay for a while. I'm sure there is someone who could watch Grace or maybe your sister could stay home from work for two days. Your boys need to know their Gram and I'm sure when she gets here she will realize how much she is missing them. I hope that everything works out. Strained family relations are so hard to deal with.
Stacey
I'm going to come in from a different perspective here.
My youngest sister moved to Australia about eight years ago. She and her hubby did live over here for a year, but then they went back. I've been to see her once, after her first child was born (three and a half years ago). It cost me about $2500 between air and car rental. She's been over here once in the last five years as well.
I love my sister immensely and we used to talk every day. But now, months can go by without a phone call or email. We are very busy. She's got three kids under five, I've got four kids and a full time job. My lack of contact with her has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for her. I do know that she misses home.
I don't know about your relationship with your mom. I would call your sister and explain the situation so that maybe she can let your mom know that she has a sitter for those days so your mom can be there for the birthday. I'd then write your mom a letter explaining your feelings. Call her a couple of days after she reads it.
Your post made me realize that I need to make the effort to call/write to my sister more. It breaks my heart to think that she may be feeling the way you do.
Shannon
HUGS!
I know about wanting to be home, and not being able to be home, and hating where you do live, knowing it's keeping you away from your family!!! Granted, my family is clear across the US, and not across the pond. I get jealous when I hear about how they ahve Jenna for the weekend, blah blah blah, and I have to fricken pull teeth to get ANYONE in the family to watch the kids down here
I just want to give you hugs!!!
btw, where are you from?
Shay:
London 6/13/03
Robynne 7/1/05
I'm sorry! I have no good advice for you, my mom leans towards my sisters kids also. She never wants to baby sit or anything like that and she is just 5 mins away!
I hope you can get something worked out so you both are happier! Good luck!
Missy
Aves -7-16-05
Expecting baby Daniel Anthony or Sophia Lillian 9-29-10
http://photos-bymelissa.blogspot.com/
Thanks for all the input, ladies.
I logged off last night after I posted or I would have responded before. I went to watch TV because I am PMSing and that's part of the problem and I was obsessing on the problem so I went to 'tune out' so to speak.
Waking up this morning I've decided not to say anything to my Mum. Last time I mentioned how long it had been since we say her she cried on the phone for fifteen minutes about how much she misses us all and how she would love to see the boys more but it's just not possible and how it wasn't her choice for me to move half way around the planet, and she's right.
This said, her being away for so long is making it harder for her to remember the boys and I think it makes it harder for her to miss them, if you know what I mean.
Sooo.... tomorrow I'm going to go and buy a webcam. My sister FINALLY has a decent internet connection (the whole family used to be on dial up), so when my Mum goes to look after Gracie on Monday and Tuesday next week we can get the boys on a weblink. I will also ask her when I talk to her if she wants to talk to Tom and that will help. I just need to force the issue more often.
I'm kind of sad because in all the time what we've been here I've talked about looking forward to when she retires because when she does she can come and visit more often, but she always said that she'd have to keep working even after she retired to make money. As far as I know my sister isn't paying her and she's hardly working at all, but in the 8 months since she retired we've not seen her.
I've got to get over resenting it so bad because it's no ones fault really.. just circumstance. I guess it's hard because I know that Mum would NEVER have left it 18 months between visits before Grace was born. She hasn't seen Alex since he was 6 months old!!!!
Ah well....
She's coming soon and for two weeks. When she falls in love with the little guy hopefully we can get her back again in August or something
Just gone
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